Saturday, February 28, 2009

5 of my favorite things about "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

If you haven't seen this movie, there's either something really wrong with you, or you're really lucky. I can't decide which, and I doubt I ever will...












1) Grandpa
Need I say more? The picture says it all. Easily one of the most bizarre characters I've ever seen, I can imagine his scene giving kids nightmares, nevermind Santa Claus chopping people up with an axe.
















2) Abusive Mother Superior
Yet again, the picture tells you all that I could possibly express in words. Using this angle for the shot and giving us an up close and personal looks on the boys face just makes it seem wrong, like it was supposed to have been used in a bondage film. If I hadn't seen this movie, I might be inclined to think the nun was supposed to be doing something other than smacking the kids' ass with a belt, at least based on this photo. I don't think I dare state what the act might be, as it may seek to further accelerate my already destined journey into Hell; if such a place existed.

3) The "New Job" at the Toy Store Montage
I unfortunately don't have a photo to go with this one, nor would any still photo do it justice. I can't even explain it, just watch the movie. The music is amazing, as is the facial expressions of Billy's boss as he recognizes his new employee's great work ethic. What acting! One of my favorite things about this scene is looking at all the X-Mas 1984 toys on display. Perhaps a testament to this movies' reputation as being anti-Christmas and anti-Christian, I found myself strangely attracted to the veritable wall of Star Wars toys in this scene. I almost felt as though the film makers were corrupting my mind by replacing the Golden Calf of Bible lore and implanting my mind with a new, better, plastic idol. I don't believe in the Lord, I believe in Jabba. Damn, how do I dream up this shit?

4) The Carolers
Just before Linnea Quigley gets her topless bod impaled on a mounted deer head, we're treated to a scene featuring some carolers outside the house. There's one girl in particular who makes some of the weirdest facial expressions I've ever seen. Look, we know you're not really singing, and the harder you try to make it look like you are, the more it looks like you have Bell's Palsy.


















5) Linnea Quigley

Before she took off her clothes for us and danced on gravestones (then turned into a Zombie), Ms. Quigley took of her clothes for us and got impaled on mounted reindeer heads. Isn't it odd that this is the only murder related inclusion to the list? Besides the obvious, what makes me love this scene even more is that the new Friday the 13th film blatantly ripped it off, as I already stated in an earlier post. It's better here though. And not just because it's Linnea fuckin' Quigley.

And there you have it, 5 of my favorite things about "Silent Night, Deadly Night". Definitely check this movie out if you haven't already, because I really haven't ruined any of the plot and reading this will probably confuse the hell out of you.


Note: Despite multiple edits, I couldn't seem to get the placement and spacing for the pictures and their captions quite right. I'm still getting the hang of this.em>

Friday, February 27, 2009

It was little and brown and low to the ground!


I'm going to talk about one of the greatest, yet misunderstood horror films of all time.

PHANTASM.
This one has a special place in my heart. The complaints I often hear are that the special effects are bad and that the acting is terrible. In all actuality, neither of these statements are true. The special effects, while amateurish, are an impressive feat due to the budget constraints of the picture, and besides that, they have a charm which also goes for the acting. Some people just don't understand what makes this movie special, and I'll try to explain it as well as I possibly can.
This is not only a story about mutant dwarfs, flying silver drill spheres, and tall alien undertakers, it's a story about fear of loss. Not just loss through death, but also due to abandonment. This themes of the movie make it something you can relate to and a little more multi-faceted than a typical late 70's early 80's American horror film. While true, none of the actors were going to give Dustin Hoffman a run for his money and attempt to the 1979 Academy Award from him, they aren't terrible, and they play their roles convincingly. Particularly an actor like Reggie Banister, who portrays the role of (you said it) Reggie, there's a genuine quality to the acting that can't be matched, regardless of acting ability. I care about these characters.
Ever seen the sequels? I really don't care about those. Some people scorn me, telling me that "Part 3 is far superior", or "Hell, Part 2 is the greatest of them all". I've seen some of them (not sure how many there are), and frankly, I'm just not overly excited by them. They definitely advance the storyline and expand upon the mythology, but the emotional thrust of the first film just isn't there. Part 3 had some moments that come close, but then Jody turns into a sphere and it distracts me.
What makes Phantasm work is it's lack of explanation. So many things are left to the imagination. Some might say this is because the writing was half finished and Coscarelli didn't know how to tie up loose ends and/or explain some of the things he put on screen, but I say it's because things are creepier when left for your mind to ponder (having the faces of the dwarf's constantly revealed in sequels was a bad decision says this observer). Really though, this is a strange movie. It's completely off the wall. It takes you completely out of your comfort zone in the realm of fantasy/horror because nothing in this movie exists anywhere else. Check this movie out if you haven't already. Even if you don't like it, you won't be able to deny that it is an absolute original.
I'm not sure if anyone is reading this thing (yet?), but I'd love to hear your thoughts on Phantasm, particularly the original, but the sequels as well. Leave a comment.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Monster Mania 2009

http://www.monstermania.net/MMC_Guests_Hartford.html

This convention is going to be damn awesome and I'm really excited about it. Especially since I'll be meeting John fuckin' Saxon. I've liked every movie I've seen him in, from the obvious Nightmare on Elm Street, to Tenebre (one of my favorites), to Enter the Dragon, and Black Christmas. Legendary actor. Pretty psyched for the other as of now announced guests. Looking forward to meeting some new people as well. Drop a comment if you're planning on going to this event.

Friday the 13th Redux? hmmm

These are two posts I made on myspace. Both are regarding the Friday the 13th "remake". No shit right? Well as made obvious by it's date, the first one was made upon seeing it's trailer, and the second speaks for itself. Behold...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"This is a god damned abomination. I just watched the trailer on youtube, which I'd been delaying doing for quite a while, as I knew I was not going to be happy. Eventually, everyone online mentioning this movie wore me down, and I had to watch the trailer, despite knowing how much it would piss me off.

To start things off (and in fact to end all hopes of this being a halfway decent movie), it was produced by Michael fuckin' Bay and directed by the douchebag who made the Texas Chainsaw remake. What a bunch of shit. I'm not going to lie, there were maybe 3 memorable scenes in the prequel to the Texas Chainsaw remake (yeah, what the fuck?) "The Beginning", though that was only because R. Lee Ermey is fucking awesome and made that movie worth sitting through, if only to fast forward to his scenes and puke on the rest. But for Michael Bay to do this again makes my blood boil. As if the guy wasn't a big enough hack to begin with (can anyone say Armageddon? How about Pearl Harbor?) why does he have to start ruining horror as well? He already ruined popcorn munching explosion toting action flicks. And to add insult to injury the assface is in preproduction on YET ANOTHER remake, this time of "A Nightmare on Elm Street". Are you kidding me? What are these people thinking? (edit 2/24/09: I've heard that Robert Englund will not be playing Freddy Krueger, and that they want to cast an unknown. However, I have heard rumours saying Billy Bob Thornton will be playing Freddy, which is hilarious.)

Now I hate remakes, though I will admit that there a couple good ones out there (The Thing and Invasion of the Body Snatchers come to mind). Some horror films originally had a decent idea but the end product is a piece of shit, and these films might benefit from a remake. However, these films should be handled by producers and directors who actually UNDERSTAND THE GENRE and will treat it with the care it deserves. What would possess someone to think "Okay, we have one of the most established and popular horror franchises of all time, instead of making a new sequel let's just do a remake. Oh excuse me, I mean reimagining...". I smell bullshit. This goes for all the Bay helmed remakes, which includes to aforemention Friday, Chainsaw, and Nightmare "reimaginings", as well as the god forsaken "Amityville Horror" film.

Seriously, is this a joke?

Now honestly, I probably will see this Friday the 13th remake at some point. I just have to. If it were free to see it in the theatre I would go, but I couldn't morally respect myself if I paid to see it. So I'll wait a couple months and download it and piss myself off all over again, likely with a new blog entry. I really don't feel like there's a way I can avoid seeing it. I know this comparison has been drawn a million times about a million things, but it's like a car wreck, you can't help but want to see it. These remakes remove EVERYTHING that made the originals great and we are left with a pale comparison that just vaguely resembles the original. In Texas Chainsaw, the only similarity was the fact that the murderers name was Leatherface. That's it. From what I could gather, Friday isn't even about camp counselors, it's about some kids heading to someone's house on the lake, and it ends up being next to Camp Crystal Lake. Hmmm sounds like Friday the 13th part 3. Is this a remake of that? I hope not, because unless it has Larry Zerner reprising the thankless but legendary and timeless role of Shelly, we're in for a big dissapointment."

Things get a little bit hairy here. And by hairy, I mean whiny. But please, read on...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

"I saw it last night. Yeah, I know. I got a free ticket coupon when I bought the 2 disc DVD set "His Name was Jason", which puts the special features on the Paramount "Crystal Lake to Manhattan" 8 movie box set to shame. To top it off the DVD was 10 bucks, and it came with essentially a free movie ticket. I'm sucker for this type of shit. I love horror movies, and I've seen a lot of horrible ones. Not very many of the new remakes though, as I hate them based on principle. After I saw the Texas Chainsaw one I turned my back on that shit, though R. Lee Ermey's scenes in "The Beginning", the prequel to the remake (uhh WTF?), are worth watching. It took me a lot of coaxing from a respected fellow horror fan to watch "The Hills Have Eyes" remake so I finally borrowed his DVD. It wasn't horrible. The gore was good, the pace was good and it was actually sort of like a remake, rather than purely using the name. However, I definitely caught a similar vibe to the current mainstream horror trend of the "Saw" series, the "Hostel" films, Wolf Creek, etc, and those types of movies bore the shit out of me.The thing about these movies is that horror fans "real" or not, go to see them. And that generates money, which is what the film makers are after. Fans can make as many web petitions as the want demanding that film makers stop doing remakes, but the only thing that will truly stop it is when the filmgoing public stop putting millions upon millions of dollars into their hands and hand them the petition instead. ha!
anyway...

I posted this review-esque thing on IMDB.com, and thought maybe some of my friends might want to hear my thoughts on this new flick.Due to all my complaints you might have to wonder why I put myself through watching this film. Well, like I said, I'm a sucker for these movies and I just had to see it. I normally would have waited until it was out of the theatre and downloaded it, but I had a free ticket. come on...go easy on me.First things first, Michael Bay is a hack. Have you seen "Pearl Harbor"? nuff said. The man has no shame.However, this move wasn't as crappy as I feared it might be. I wouldn't say I liked it, and I had negative thoughts going into it attached to the aforementioned douchebag Bay, and the fact that it's another "remake", but I've seen worse (TCM 2003). The actors, while not the worst in the series, were definitely too pretty, and the boys looked straight out of an Abercrombie ad. Boring. The multiple sets of fake tits (the actress who played Bree, I think hers were real) definitely ruined any idea of this film having realistic characters. I've never met one girl who had fake tits, let alone seen 3 on the same vacation.

Jason.
He looked and moved better on screen than I've seen in a while. The look in particular hasn't been this good since part 8, and even that paled in comparison to part 7. Hail Buechler. Definitely improved from Freddy vs. Jason, as well as the god awful Jason X, which I admittedly have seen less than half of due to how retarded it is. My opinion is that Jason's looks in Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason are the worst in the whole series. The kills in this new movie were relatively okay, at least compared to those films. However, they weren't especially memorable, and therefore they certainly weren't great. A very back-to-basics approach though. Screwdriver or whatever the hell through the neck of the annoying Asian kid, fireplace poker through the cops head, not bad. The fact that the girl who is pretty much the lead dies is quite awesome. One annoying kill was the deer antlers to the back. I groaned when I saw this scene. Go watch "Silent Night, Deadly Night". You'll see why. It's been done before and it made a lot more sense in the context of that movie. SNDN sucks too, but in a different way. You like it because it sucks.The scenes that didn't involve Jason murdering people were not interesting to me and I actually considered walking out more than once. Scenes that come to mind were when the fuckface pretty boy teens are wandering around rich boy's lake house getting high and drinking budweiser, and even more during the retarded topless wakeboarding scene. But then Jason put an arrow through a guys head and I calmed down a bit. However, the wakeboarding girls' actual death was extremely predictable easily the worst of the movie, despite some of the others being a little more simple in their initial set up.

The plot about the kid looking for his missing sister was ANNOYING. I know Jason loves his mom, but him keeping her alive because she had a locket around her neck and reminded him of her was ludicrous. Yes I have seen part 2, but even though Ginny briefly fooled him by putting on Mrs. Voorhees' sweater, he didn't capture her and chain her up in his underground lair (yeah, what?).

This movie should have dropped Michael Bay (the remake machine), dropped all concept of it being a "reimagining", dropped the origin elements such as finding the mask, and called itself "Friday the 13th part fuckin' 11" (yeah not counting F vs J as a sequel) and we would have a halfway decent new entry into the series, going back to the classic simple way the films were from parts 1 through 4. This movie feels sort of like a Friday the 13th movie, but it's obviously not a remake, so why not give it a title that fits it? It's too much like the horrid "Texas Chainsaw" Bay produced and this guy directed a number of years ago. A movie that has almost nothing to do with the original except for some characters (in TCM's case, one friggin' character). Too many non Jason related jump scares, Two dimensional uninspired music that doesn't harken back to classic F13 themes at all (most of it sounds like reused TCM remake music), and annoyingly pretty actors.

There was enough original stuff in this movie, other than the massive flaws, and the guy who played Jason did a good job that they really could have billed this as a sequel and it would be just as successful. At the theatre last night both the 9:30 and the 9:40 shows were sold out. and I bet the show before that was too. The lines went outside, and it was damn cold. a lot of different age groups were showing up for this movie and even the younger ones were asking if this was going to be a remake, since they didn't know a lot about it. So obviously they could have made a sequel and it I think it would have been far more satisfying. I had to see it, but I won't sit through it again. oh yeah. Spoiler alert.
remakes suck.

3/10"

Welcome

After enjoying myself posting a few blog entries on myspace (mostly related to horror, and mostly related to how shitty the concept of horror remakes are), I've decided to start a "real" blog. Whatever that means. I'll try to keep my complaining to a minimum, and when it comes to reviews I won't spoil the whole movie, I'll try to only spoil the best parts. Yeah I know, you're welcome.
I'll be starting by reposting a blog or two from myspace that I think will fit well here, and go from there.

Anyone reading this blog should already know the meaning of it's title. Easily the coolest thing in Friday the 13th Part 2, Jason's "house" is unbelievably awesome, and makes Part 2 a true standout of the series, and my personal favorite. Seriously, how cute is it that Jason made a little window, and seriously, is the door/curtain for the bathroom neccessary? Did Jason like to entertain guests? Well, guests he wasn't planning on murdering and who he didn't want seeing his mutant ass? I wish they'd made a movie all about the place.

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21st century rocker with a multi-track mind.

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