Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Friday the 13th Redux? hmmm

These are two posts I made on myspace. Both are regarding the Friday the 13th "remake". No shit right? Well as made obvious by it's date, the first one was made upon seeing it's trailer, and the second speaks for itself. Behold...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"This is a god damned abomination. I just watched the trailer on youtube, which I'd been delaying doing for quite a while, as I knew I was not going to be happy. Eventually, everyone online mentioning this movie wore me down, and I had to watch the trailer, despite knowing how much it would piss me off.

To start things off (and in fact to end all hopes of this being a halfway decent movie), it was produced by Michael fuckin' Bay and directed by the douchebag who made the Texas Chainsaw remake. What a bunch of shit. I'm not going to lie, there were maybe 3 memorable scenes in the prequel to the Texas Chainsaw remake (yeah, what the fuck?) "The Beginning", though that was only because R. Lee Ermey is fucking awesome and made that movie worth sitting through, if only to fast forward to his scenes and puke on the rest. But for Michael Bay to do this again makes my blood boil. As if the guy wasn't a big enough hack to begin with (can anyone say Armageddon? How about Pearl Harbor?) why does he have to start ruining horror as well? He already ruined popcorn munching explosion toting action flicks. And to add insult to injury the assface is in preproduction on YET ANOTHER remake, this time of "A Nightmare on Elm Street". Are you kidding me? What are these people thinking? (edit 2/24/09: I've heard that Robert Englund will not be playing Freddy Krueger, and that they want to cast an unknown. However, I have heard rumours saying Billy Bob Thornton will be playing Freddy, which is hilarious.)

Now I hate remakes, though I will admit that there a couple good ones out there (The Thing and Invasion of the Body Snatchers come to mind). Some horror films originally had a decent idea but the end product is a piece of shit, and these films might benefit from a remake. However, these films should be handled by producers and directors who actually UNDERSTAND THE GENRE and will treat it with the care it deserves. What would possess someone to think "Okay, we have one of the most established and popular horror franchises of all time, instead of making a new sequel let's just do a remake. Oh excuse me, I mean reimagining...". I smell bullshit. This goes for all the Bay helmed remakes, which includes to aforemention Friday, Chainsaw, and Nightmare "reimaginings", as well as the god forsaken "Amityville Horror" film.

Seriously, is this a joke?

Now honestly, I probably will see this Friday the 13th remake at some point. I just have to. If it were free to see it in the theatre I would go, but I couldn't morally respect myself if I paid to see it. So I'll wait a couple months and download it and piss myself off all over again, likely with a new blog entry. I really don't feel like there's a way I can avoid seeing it. I know this comparison has been drawn a million times about a million things, but it's like a car wreck, you can't help but want to see it. These remakes remove EVERYTHING that made the originals great and we are left with a pale comparison that just vaguely resembles the original. In Texas Chainsaw, the only similarity was the fact that the murderers name was Leatherface. That's it. From what I could gather, Friday isn't even about camp counselors, it's about some kids heading to someone's house on the lake, and it ends up being next to Camp Crystal Lake. Hmmm sounds like Friday the 13th part 3. Is this a remake of that? I hope not, because unless it has Larry Zerner reprising the thankless but legendary and timeless role of Shelly, we're in for a big dissapointment."

Things get a little bit hairy here. And by hairy, I mean whiny. But please, read on...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

"I saw it last night. Yeah, I know. I got a free ticket coupon when I bought the 2 disc DVD set "His Name was Jason", which puts the special features on the Paramount "Crystal Lake to Manhattan" 8 movie box set to shame. To top it off the DVD was 10 bucks, and it came with essentially a free movie ticket. I'm sucker for this type of shit. I love horror movies, and I've seen a lot of horrible ones. Not very many of the new remakes though, as I hate them based on principle. After I saw the Texas Chainsaw one I turned my back on that shit, though R. Lee Ermey's scenes in "The Beginning", the prequel to the remake (uhh WTF?), are worth watching. It took me a lot of coaxing from a respected fellow horror fan to watch "The Hills Have Eyes" remake so I finally borrowed his DVD. It wasn't horrible. The gore was good, the pace was good and it was actually sort of like a remake, rather than purely using the name. However, I definitely caught a similar vibe to the current mainstream horror trend of the "Saw" series, the "Hostel" films, Wolf Creek, etc, and those types of movies bore the shit out of me.The thing about these movies is that horror fans "real" or not, go to see them. And that generates money, which is what the film makers are after. Fans can make as many web petitions as the want demanding that film makers stop doing remakes, but the only thing that will truly stop it is when the filmgoing public stop putting millions upon millions of dollars into their hands and hand them the petition instead. ha!
anyway...

I posted this review-esque thing on IMDB.com, and thought maybe some of my friends might want to hear my thoughts on this new flick.Due to all my complaints you might have to wonder why I put myself through watching this film. Well, like I said, I'm a sucker for these movies and I just had to see it. I normally would have waited until it was out of the theatre and downloaded it, but I had a free ticket. come on...go easy on me.First things first, Michael Bay is a hack. Have you seen "Pearl Harbor"? nuff said. The man has no shame.However, this move wasn't as crappy as I feared it might be. I wouldn't say I liked it, and I had negative thoughts going into it attached to the aforementioned douchebag Bay, and the fact that it's another "remake", but I've seen worse (TCM 2003). The actors, while not the worst in the series, were definitely too pretty, and the boys looked straight out of an Abercrombie ad. Boring. The multiple sets of fake tits (the actress who played Bree, I think hers were real) definitely ruined any idea of this film having realistic characters. I've never met one girl who had fake tits, let alone seen 3 on the same vacation.

Jason.
He looked and moved better on screen than I've seen in a while. The look in particular hasn't been this good since part 8, and even that paled in comparison to part 7. Hail Buechler. Definitely improved from Freddy vs. Jason, as well as the god awful Jason X, which I admittedly have seen less than half of due to how retarded it is. My opinion is that Jason's looks in Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason are the worst in the whole series. The kills in this new movie were relatively okay, at least compared to those films. However, they weren't especially memorable, and therefore they certainly weren't great. A very back-to-basics approach though. Screwdriver or whatever the hell through the neck of the annoying Asian kid, fireplace poker through the cops head, not bad. The fact that the girl who is pretty much the lead dies is quite awesome. One annoying kill was the deer antlers to the back. I groaned when I saw this scene. Go watch "Silent Night, Deadly Night". You'll see why. It's been done before and it made a lot more sense in the context of that movie. SNDN sucks too, but in a different way. You like it because it sucks.The scenes that didn't involve Jason murdering people were not interesting to me and I actually considered walking out more than once. Scenes that come to mind were when the fuckface pretty boy teens are wandering around rich boy's lake house getting high and drinking budweiser, and even more during the retarded topless wakeboarding scene. But then Jason put an arrow through a guys head and I calmed down a bit. However, the wakeboarding girls' actual death was extremely predictable easily the worst of the movie, despite some of the others being a little more simple in their initial set up.

The plot about the kid looking for his missing sister was ANNOYING. I know Jason loves his mom, but him keeping her alive because she had a locket around her neck and reminded him of her was ludicrous. Yes I have seen part 2, but even though Ginny briefly fooled him by putting on Mrs. Voorhees' sweater, he didn't capture her and chain her up in his underground lair (yeah, what?).

This movie should have dropped Michael Bay (the remake machine), dropped all concept of it being a "reimagining", dropped the origin elements such as finding the mask, and called itself "Friday the 13th part fuckin' 11" (yeah not counting F vs J as a sequel) and we would have a halfway decent new entry into the series, going back to the classic simple way the films were from parts 1 through 4. This movie feels sort of like a Friday the 13th movie, but it's obviously not a remake, so why not give it a title that fits it? It's too much like the horrid "Texas Chainsaw" Bay produced and this guy directed a number of years ago. A movie that has almost nothing to do with the original except for some characters (in TCM's case, one friggin' character). Too many non Jason related jump scares, Two dimensional uninspired music that doesn't harken back to classic F13 themes at all (most of it sounds like reused TCM remake music), and annoyingly pretty actors.

There was enough original stuff in this movie, other than the massive flaws, and the guy who played Jason did a good job that they really could have billed this as a sequel and it would be just as successful. At the theatre last night both the 9:30 and the 9:40 shows were sold out. and I bet the show before that was too. The lines went outside, and it was damn cold. a lot of different age groups were showing up for this movie and even the younger ones were asking if this was going to be a remake, since they didn't know a lot about it. So obviously they could have made a sequel and it I think it would have been far more satisfying. I had to see it, but I won't sit through it again. oh yeah. Spoiler alert.
remakes suck.

3/10"

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